


10 Years.

by Aotxtimes



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angry Reader, Angst, Blow Jobs, Character Death, Commander Erwin Smith, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Erwin Smith/reader - Freeform, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Falling In Love, Hand Jobs, Light BDSM, Revenge, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Smut, Top Erwin Smith, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-13 02:48:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29395047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aotxtimes/pseuds/Aotxtimes
Summary: It's been 10 years and the only goal in your life is to seek out revenge. Revenge for what happened on that dreadful day. You've established, what your main purpose is, but will something pull you off your tracks of that main goal, and steer you into another direction?
Relationships: Erwin Smith/Reader
Comments: 23
Kudos: 29





	1. Chapter 1

' _It's been 10 years since wall Maria was compromised by both the colossal and Armored titan. I was only 15 at the time and the only thing I seem to remember from that horrifying day were the screams from both of my parents who sacrificed themselves to save me. And, just like that both of the titans vanished into thin air, as if they'd never been there. I watched my mother and my father be devoured by a titan, I heard the tearing of their flesh, I heard the breaking of their bones. That day the only thing that rang in the back of my head was **revenge**. I made that my vow, my mission. I wasn't going to let **anything** or **anyone** stand between me and my goal. I was going to find who was responsible for this, even if it meant hunting down every last one of those bastards.' _

"Y/N, if Instructor Shadis sees you sitting down and not doing the hand to hand combat drills with me, he'll give you the same punishment that he gave potato girl. And, I highly doubt you want to be running until the sun sets."

My head was still down into my journal, writing every little thought down that came into my head and clearly oblivious to the voice off in the distance. Though I could still hear the small murmuring, I was vaguely listening to the voice. It had a high pitched tone to it and almost as if it were trembling to try and get me to do these pointless drills that would absolutely do no harm to those monsters.

I finally took my nose out of my journal, I stuck the wooden pencil into my bun and closed the journal and panned up to the familiar voice. He was small and petite and also shaking. His blonde hair fell just past his jawline on both sides. If I wasn't mistaken, he went by the name of Armin Arlert.

"Look Arlert, Instructor _Shadis_ can make run all he wants but there is no way in hell that I'm ever going to be doing these useless ass drills. What kind of defense or offense will it do to protect us against the titans? "

Armin stood there speechless, he scratched the back of his scalp and put what I just stated into thought. He then started to shake profusely and his arms fell to his side and he stiffened up. I noticed the surprised look on his face and tried to reason with him.

"Don't look so surprised, Arlert. I'm stating nothing but the facts here and if I'm going to be completely honest I think the Commander is just giving us these stupid drills so that we'll fail out on the battlefield and It'll fix the crowded population. I mean come on, Armin.. Why else would we be doing these drills? Eventually we're going to become nothing but an appetizer for those bastards."

Armin seems to be more on edge with every statement that I made, this time he moved his stiffened arms to where his right arm formed a fist and he slammed it over his heart and the arm going behind his back, doing the honorary military salute. I had an unnerving feeling that I wasn't sharing these statement with just Arlert and myself. I had a feeling someone _very_ important picked up on everything that came from my stupid, obnoxious mouth.

My body seemed to tense up but why? It's not like I cared what anyone thought of me. That was until I turned my head around and seen who was standing behind me, it wasn't Shadis. The figure standing behind me towered over me, his hair was a light blonde on top and his undercut was a deep brown and it looked well groomed. Both of his hands were placed behind his back as his stoic face examined me up and down. Why did I feel so intimidated by this man? I was good at what I was taught. I was good a hand to hand and if anything, I was the best. His face very familiar and his uniform looked nothing like our cadet uniforms he had a green pendant bolo tie that stood out and it was at that moment I realized that this man was my superior. His thick lips separated from each other like he was about to speak.

"Don't be shy now. Finish what you were saying. I'd love to hear it, Cadet."

I stood there completely frozen in shock and caught off guard, I glanced over at Arlert and still he was trembling while still holding his salute. Arlert began to grind his teeth together and I noticed the glistening sweat dripping down from the tip of his nose to the dirt. I could tell he was scared for me and possibly his self. I shook off any type of nervousness that was flowing through my body and stared into the blue piercing eyes of my superior and without saluting two words left my mouth in a direct, stern tone.

"It's pointless."

He stared deep into my soul and before he turned around he nodded his head and then began walking of to make other judgement calls on the other cadets, with his back turned I noticed the emblem on the back of his jacket. And, at that moment I put two and two together.. The bolo tie and the emblem? Not only was this my superior, but this was the Commander. Commander Erwin Smith.

* * *

I sat at one of the tables in the mess hall and sitting across from me was Armin and beside him sat Eren Yeager and Mikasa Ackerman, putting Yeager in the between them two. I hovered my utensils over my food, lost deep in thought about my encounter with the Commander earlier today during training. I was then shaken out of my trance by a nudge from someone that sat next to me.

"Hey stranger! Rough day with hand to hand?" I slightly turned my head to notice the black-haired boy questioning me, he had a concerned looks on his face. He went by the name of Marco Bott. Marco and I grew close together once we got here and training started. He dug me from my darkness, he was the first person I talked to after my parents death. So, I guess you can say he's my best friend. He was always so concerned with my well being, I don't blame him.

"Hardly", I replied not showing him any type of doubt.

"don't let her lie to you, Armin told us she had a running with the Commander today." I peered my eyes up and glanced at Yeager stuffing his face with a loaf of bread and a potato while trying to explain my situation to Marco. I noticed both Armin and Mikasa nudged Yeager on both sides of his arms.

"Thank you for that Yeager", I fed him sarcasm and he moved one arm up and pointed his thumb up to give me a thumbs up.

"Woah! Really? You're talking about Commander Erwin?" Marco questioned me with a look of concern, I just nodded.

"Yeah, she was mouthing to Armin about how hand to hand is pointless and the Commander overheard her, he questioned her and she just bowed up to him and didn't even salute and told him straight up _It's pointless_." Mikasa and Armin glared over at Eren, nudging him even harder.

"SHUT UP!" the both of them raised their voices at Yeager getting annoyed with him instigating the situation. Eren cowered his head and sent a smirk my way. "We don't need a play by play, Yeager and besides I'm not afraid of the Commander."

The three cadets in front of Marco and I started to stuff their faces nervously as if someone was approaching our table, Marco and I looked over at each other and just shrugged.

"Just because he's the Commander, he expects people to respect him and be afraid of him? He won't get that from me. Respect is earned, not demanded. Why are you guys all of a sudden eating so fast and you're all sweating?" Marco began to chuckle and turned his head to see what those three were looking at, Marco's chuckle began to hush and he immediately turned his head forward and down at his food and began to stuff his face as well. "You too? Why are you four being so weir-" I turned my head around and I couldn't even finish my sentence because of course the Commander was standing directly behind me.

"Now this seems to be the second time that I've caught you making controversial observations. Care to go into detail about this _respect_ issue that you seem to have with me? Because to me it seems like you could be taught a thing or two about respect. Starting with the ones that paved their way so you have food in your belly, so you have a roof over your head, so you have someone willing to take you in after that massacre that your poor old folks went through. Yeah, I know exactly who _you_ are _Y/N_. You seemed to forget the thousands of lives that were risked so _you_ could get to safety. So, now tell me.. Do you think the corpses of your parents would be pleased with their little girl right now?"

Once the Commander brought up my dead parents, I turned my head back to the front, trying to ignore every word that pierced right through me. My blood was starting to boil, but I couldn't do anything about it. He continued to speak to me even though my head was no longer facing him. The entire mess hall was in compete silence, I could feel everyone's eyes right on me, even Marcos. 

"Aw whats wrong? Did I hit a nerve? If you can't take the heat, then get out of the kitchen. If I were you, I would start rethinking my position and who stands over you. Without my men and myself _you_ my dear would've suffered the same fate as your dear old beloved paren-"

Everything inside of my was raging, I was begging to be set free. I looked up from my food and glanced over at Marco and he shook his head and mouthed the words "Don't". I ignored him, before the Commander could continue his lecture about _my_ dead parents I rose to my feet and stood toe to toe with him. It was a huge height difference. Like I said the man towered over me, but somehow our noses were touching, I started to huff and gritted my teeth and stared into the blue eyes of Erwin Smith. Erwin glanced down at my closed fist and he brought his hand to his chin and rubbed it softly before continuing his lecture.

"Watch it, Cadet! You might want to relax that hand of yours before you do something that you will highly regret. I'm just putting you in your place and humbling you. You need to be taught a lesson, you need to the cold, hard, ugly truth to slap you in the face. I can sense you not backing down, it seems we'll have to take care of this another way."

Marco held onto my forearm, trying to get me to sit down before I got myself into anymore trouble when I heard a deep stoic voice behind Erwin.

"Erwin let her be the demonstration for tomorrows training in hand to hand with me. She won't last 5 seconds and that should teach her a thing or two about respect."

Erwin peered his eyes behind him and then turned his orbs back on myself and sent a smirk my way with a slight chuckle he uttered, "That would be an excellent idea, Captain Levi."


	2. Chapter 2.

“Hey, Eren have you seen Y/n? I looked everywhere for her yesterday after what happened in the mess hall yesterday. I couldn’t even find her this morning.”

  
  
  


A worried Marco sat his tray down in front of him and slid onto the bench of the table. He hadn’t seen you since that confrontation between Erwin and you, and it had been a good 24 hours since then.

When the Commander brought up your parents, Marco knew what kind of pain that caused you. He gave you space because he knew exactly how you get when you’re this upset. But, this was different. Usually, you’d come around after a couple hours.

  
  
  


“Nope, I haven’t seen her.” Eren replied while taking a bite from both his potato and loaf of bread, talking with his mouth full. “And, if you ask me, I think it was well deserved.” Eren looked up from his food to see Marco glaring at him in confusion.

“What? Why are you looking at me like that? It’s about time someone humbled her. She thinks she’s better than everyone here. What? Think I’m lying? Ask anyone, they’ll tell you. The way she uses the ODM gear like it’s nothing, like she’s a bird in the sky. The way she steals everyone’s kills on the titan dummies.” Eren moved his eyes from Marcos down to his tray scarfing down more food than before, while trying to talk. “The way she’s too good to do hand to hand combat training. Heh, if you’d ask me I think sh-“

  
  
  


The sound of a food tray being slammed on the table interrupted Eren’s gossiping about you. He looked up from his tray to see you sitting next to Marco with a smirk on your face.

“It’s funny that you say that, because if you’d ask me I think you don’t like me because I’m a threat. It’s almost as if you’re jealous of me. Jealous that I’ve placed number one spot in everything but hand to hand because I refuse to send you and everyone else to the infirmary. Maybe if you weren’t so focused on what color eyes Jean has, you’d be able to keep up. Or I’ll do you one better, maybe if you weren’t so busy riding on Mikasas coattail then maybe just maybe you would be able to keep up. But you? You’re not a threat to me or anyone here. You say you’re doing this for revenge right? I don’t see it. I don’t see the desperation in your eyes. I don’t see the determination on your face. It’s almost as if you don’t mean what you say about avenging your mothers death.”

  
  
  


The entire mess hall went silent, you were clearly unbothered with Erens reaction. You were bound to have people jealous of you. You were bound to have people not like you. You had skill and that’s something you wouldn’t deny.

But you had to face it, Captain Levi was going to mop the floor with you. You lifted your head up from your tray to see an angry Yeager. Both of his fists were on the table on each side of his tray, the veins on his neck were popping out like they were about to pop out of his neck. His face was the color of a tomato and you could’ve sworn you could see steam withdraw from his head. Just as he went to stand up, a hand went to stop him. “Eren stop! I’d hate to have to fight another one of your battles. Why don’t you finish up your food and get ready for Captain Levi’s demonstration.” Eren looked up at Mikasa, he didn’t even bother eating his food or throwing his tray away. He stood up and stormed out of the mess hall and Mikasa sent a concerning smile your way and followed the angry boy.

  
  
  


“You know you didn’t have to go that hard on him.” Marco uttered while looking over at you obviously concerned. “He had it coming for a while. Look on the bright side, at least he’s going to take joy in watching me get beat to the ground.” You glanced over at Marco while picking at your food. “Don’t say that. You have skill, you’re a badass. If anything captai-“ 

“MARCO!” You raised your voice at him. You understood he was trying to help you and look out for you. But you didn’t want that. When Erwin brought your parents up the way he did, you swear it took you back to the bottom. “Look we all know Captain Levi is going to beat the living shit out of me and I’m willing to take it. It’s my fault, just like it was my fault that same day. I’m the reason my parents lay in the belly of some titan.”

  
  
  


Marco’s mouth dropped in complete shock and replied to you. “Don’t you dare say that! DON’T SAY THAT! Your par-“ You slammed your hands on the table in front of you standing to your feet and raising your voice at Marco once again. “YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING! NOTHING! YOU WANT TO GRADUATE AND GO LIVE COMFORTABLY IN THE CASTLE SERVING THE KING. MEANWHILE SOME OF US LIKE MYSELF ARE GOING TO SACRIFICE OUR LIVES OUT ON THE FRONT LINE. Don’t talk about my parents like you knew them. You don’t know shit Marco.” You didn’t even give Marco the chance to reply, you stormed off to get ready for Captain Levi’s demonstration.

* * *

“Alright listen up you brats! I obviously disagreed on this.. Today’s demonstration will involve me showing you a few moves with these hand to hand drills with the help of a volunteer. I think it’s going to be much more enjoyable.”

  
  
  


Captain Levi paced back and forth with his hands behind his back, scoping you out from the group of cadets. His footing stopped right in the middle of the gathering and pointed at you in the back.

  
  
  


“L/N to the front. Don’t be shy, after all you’re the one who agreed to do this training so chin up and march front and center.” Captain Levi commanded you. You made your way through the crowd and stood next to the Captain with your chin up and a small chuckle left your mouth. You glanced over to the left of you to see all the section commanders and Erwin Smith watching on. You tried to contain yourself before Levi noticed it, but it was too late and he was already in your face questioning you. 

  
  
  


“What’s so funny cadet? It better be a joke.” You moved your head down to Levi’s height and answered his question. 

  
  
  


“No disrespect sir but I was expecting someone UP to par to be training with me. It does seem a little unfair, I wasn’t expecting to be shown up by a 12 year ol-“ before you could even finish your discreet insult, you felt the side of Captain Levi’s boot connect with the side of your face knocking you completely down and sending a spray of blood across the field. You sat up and held the back of your hand to your mouth. You spit the excess blood in your mouth into the dirt, still there was a taste of iron in your mouth. 

  
  
  


You rose to your feet slowly, rubbing the left side of your jaw. Levi smirked over at you, in anger you charged at him, raising your fist in the air but he moved to the side stepping out of your range. You fell face first into the dirt, he didn’t even have to touch you to counter that attack. He crouched over by you and grabbed a chunk of your hair and lifted your head up, “Never give away your attack to your opponent.” You could hear Erwin let out a chuckle as he watched you fail miserably at attacking the Captain. Levi then slammed your head down into the ground and walked away from your body to lecture the rest of the cadets. 

  
  
  


You noticed Levi’s back was turned, this was your opportunity to catch him off guard. You rose to your feet, dusting yourself off and remembered what Levi said about not giving your attack away. ‘ _ Okay I’ll go for another punch, he’ll never expect me to use the same attack twice in a row’. _

  
  
  


You nodded and went to charge at Levi again, he immediately turned around and grabbed both of your wrists and put one leg behind your right leg and sweeped you from under your feet. You instantly hit the ground and began to cough, it knocked the breath out of you. You tried to sit up but Levi had other plans and placed his boot on your face, forcing it to the ground.

  
  
  


“Discipline plays a huge factor in training. Nothing makes me happier than seeing a disrespectful cadet that thinks they’re up at the top get shown up and put in their place.” 

  
  
  


You moved your eyes to the crowd of cadets watching you lay there. Your eyes landed directly on a concerned Marco, he was being held back by Jean and Armin. Even though you just yelled at him minutes before this, he still cared about you. He still worried about you and seeing you helpless absolutely drove him crazy. He hated seeing his best friend go through this type of pain. 

  
  
  


“Alright Levi I think that’s enough, she’s learned her lesson”, you heard Erwin in the distance. “You told me to take care of this so I’m gonna take care of it”, Levi replied. He took his boot off from your face and crouched down next to you and placed his hands on his thighs. “Tell me y/n what was it like to watch your parents be devoured and there wasn’t a damn thing you could do about it? Can you still hear their screams? Can you hear their bones being crushed? Can you hear the sound of their flesh tearing? Tell me could you see the look in their dark lifeless eyes?”

  
  
  


Tears started to fill the inside of your bottom eyelid, you began to tremble in anger. Everything inside of you was boiling, steam being released from your head and your heart pounding out of your chest.

  
  
  


“Levi I said enou-“

  
  
  


Erwin stopped in his tracks, he saw the look on your face and suddenly something charged up in you, you gained all of your strength back and quickly stood to your feet. Levi tried to throw a couple punches here and there, you dodged left and right and even going under them. When you went under his last blow, you put one arm across his neck and the other across the back of his neck locking both of your hands together and sweeping his feet from under him, knocking him on his back. This move you watched Annie do countless times on both Eren and Reiner. It wasn’t hard to pick up, you decided to use it on Levi and to your surprise it actually connected and worked. 

  
  
  


You moved your body and on top of Levi’s while he lay on the ground. You pinned both of his arms down with both of your knees, all you saw was red and started to deliver punch after punch. You even started to deliver forearms to his face.  


Without a warning you were tackled to the ground by a brute force. It was Marco, he held you down to the ground to calm you down. You began to kick and yell and even cry out for your parents. Marco saw the pain you were in and let go of your arms and wrapped his arms around the back of your neck, hugging you and holding you close. You resisted for a few second before wrapping your arms around his waist, wailing into his shirt. You were angry and for years you’ve been holding back this anger, back these tears.

  
  
  


Levi sat up and wiped his mouth that had barely any blood dripping from it. He stood up and walked towards Erwin, “Tch you’ve got a crazy one. Keep her in check next time.” Levi obviously wasn’t hurt or bothered by your attack but he meant what he said to Erwin. Erwin walked up to you and Marco holding each other. He towered over the both of you. He snickered at the sight of you, not because you were crying but what he just witnessed you do to his strongest solider. 

  
  
  


“That’ll do just fine, Cadet. Section Commander, Hange please take our lovely cadet to your quarters and have her cleaned up then send her to my office. We have lots to discuss.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Sorry for the first two short chapters! I’m pushing these out as fast as possible. I promise longer chapters in the future! Thank you for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

You sat in the bathtub of Hange’s quarters with your knees tucked into your chest and your chin resting on top of your knees, staring at the dirt and the blood merging together in your bath water. 

  
  
  


You heard the door open and footsteps getting closer to you. You saw a figure from the corner of your eye, but you shrugged it off. This figure sat on their knees next to you outside of the tub, they sat a bucket filled with water in front of them and set a clean washcloth in there and let it soak for a couple seconds before pulling it out and wringing a partial amount of water from it. They gently set it along your back, the feeling of the cold rag on your back startled you a bit causing you to jump a little. The figure rested one hand on your shoulder and hushed you.

  
  
  


“It’s okay, I’m Section Commander Hange. I’m just getting all the dirt and sweat off your back. I’m going to start moving the rag along your skin, don’t worry I’m not going to hurt you.”

  
  
  


Hange reassured that she was no threat, you hesitated for a second but you heard the trust in her voice and relaxed your muscles along your back. That was the okay to start washing your back and you felt the cool rag drag along your bag. She dumped the rag back in the bucket, wringing it once more. She moved her knees a little bit closed to the tub and hesitated to touch your face. Your eyes moved onto Hange and nodded showing her that you trusted her. She lifted up your chin and moved your face towards her and set the rag against the bruise where Levi landed his kick, washing off the dirt.

  
  
  


“You know I’ve never seen anyone dodge Levi’s hits like that before, let alone take him to the ground and mobilize him. And, even after that you were still going at it. Though it didn’t faze him but I’m impressed you were able to take him down. No ones been able to take him down since well Erwin.”

  
  
  


Hange moved from your bruise on the side of your face to your busted lip and gently she set the rag along your lip after she washed off any excess blood from there she moved to your nose. It wasn’t broken, you were surprised with how hard Levi slammed your head into the ground. She began to wipe that clean as well, after she was done she set the rag into the bucket and pushed her hands against her thighs to stand up.

  
  
  


“You have a fresh, clean uniform on my bed, go ahead and throw it on and then I’ll meet you outside so I can walk you to the Commander's office. Oh and don’t worry about Erwin, he’s a huge softie once you get warmed up to him. This whole _I’m the big commander and I have a serious face so listen to me_ persona he puts on is all for show. I promise you, you have nothing to be afr-“

  
  
  


Hange was trying to reassure you but not before you cut her off, replying to her.

  
  
  


“I’m not afraid of him, Section Commander. Nor am I afraid of Captain Levi. I took my beating like a soldier. I’m not here to be liked by the Commander. I’m here to train, I’m here to get my reven-. I’m here to become a soldier. I appreciate what you’ve done for me but if you could please excuse me while I get dressed I’d greatly appreciate it. I just want to get this over with.”

  
  
  


Hange nodded and picked up the bucket next to her feet and walked out of the bathroom along with her bedroom. You sat in the tub for a minute longer before standing up and leaving the bathroom. You walked up to Hange’s bed and put on your brassiere and your underwear, you then button up your shirt and tuck it inside of your pants. You grab your harness and began to buckle all the buckles around your waist and lastly across your chest. You sat on the edge of the bed slipping the boots on your feet and walking in front of the mirror and grabbing your cadet jacket and throwing it on. You took a deep breath and took one last glance in the mirror before heading out of Hange’s quarters.

* * *

  
“Come in.”

  
You heard a strong, stoic deep voice from the other side of the room reply to the Section Commanders knock. Hange opened the door and waved you to go inside, you walked in front of her into Erwin's office and stood still with your hands to your sides watching him fill out the last piece of paperwork he had left on his desk. His ocean eyes met yours and then trailed over at Hange dismissing her.

  
  
  


“Thank you Section Commander, you’re dismissed and your research expedition has been granted.”

  
  
  


After Erwin dismissed Hange, the door closed and Erwin placed both hands on his desk and lifted himself out of his chair.

  
  
  


“Cadet Y/N, L/M. Who would’ve thought you would be the bad apple out of the group? Certainly not I. I almost thought Yeager would’ve had you beat there but once again you were one step ahead of him.”

  
  
  


Erwin placed both of his hands behind his back and walked to the window next to his book shelf. That bookshelf was full of books about the walls, titan research, ODM gear usage, and running a squadron. Your eyes peered over at Erwin and watched him make his way to the window, not a single word came left your mouth.

  
  
  


“Answer me this cadet. Do you know what’s behind those walls?” What a pointless question to ask you thought to yourself but you thought it’d be better to answer the question without any type of attitude.

  
  
  


“Titans? Sir?”

  
  
  


Erwin continued to look outside the window and snickered a bit before asking you another question.

  
  
  


“Yes. But do you know who put those titans here? Do you know why I want my entire regiment to achieve success and accomplish our goal?”

  
  
  


“Sir? I’m assuming to get revenge on those bastards.”

  
  
  


Erwin snickered one last time before turning around and walking towards his desk and sat back down at it and set down a piece of fabric. On the fabric was the head of a woman, her hair looked long and a crown rested on the top of her head.

  
  
  


“Wall Rose. For freedom, cadet. If you march out there simply for _revenge,_ you’re going to get yourself killed. One step at a time. We want our home back, we want our walls back. But, we can’t do that if all we’re thinking about is _revenge._ We need to think about the bigger picture here. 10 years ago we lost hope of humanity. Humanity lost. I understand you want to go out there right now and kill every last one of those bastards after what they did to your folks.”

  
  
  


Erwin noticed you tense up when he mentioned your parents and leaned back in his chair and rested his hand along his scruffy bearded chin and rubbed it.

  
  
  


“You aren’t the only one here who lost something. We have all lost something, cadet. I’m going to be real with you. You are NOTHING special. You are a CADET. You’re a RECRUIT. If you go out there and kill yourself under my watch, I’m liable for that. I have to explain to the people why cadets are dying left and right. And, for what? For _revenge_? It’s time to wake up and look at the bigger picture. Look at your comrades! Look at the ones who sacrificed themselves for the greater good for humanity.”

  
  
  


Your loose hands began to form into closed fist but you relaxed them before Erwin noticed. You took everything Erwin was saying into consideration but it still wasn’t enough. You made a promise. You made it your goal. This is what you had your eyes set on. Like a champion in a jousting tournament. This is what you were meant to do. Before you could retaliate to Erwins comments about you, he interrupted you.

  
  
  


“I know I haven’t changed your mind. You’re still set on this revenge thing. I didn’t invite you into my office to discuss _revenge_ or _scold_ you. I invited you in here because I believe in you. You have talent. I’ve watched you use the ODM gear and I’ve watched you take down those training dummies. I watched you take my strongest soldier down in a matter of minutes. If I’m going to be honest, you would make a great soldier in the Survey Corps.”

  
  
  


The Survey Corps has always been on your agenda. Marco tried to talk you out of it several times but he never could. You didn’t want to remain cooped up inside the walls like a trapped animal. You wanted to see what was beyond those walls, you wanted to smell the fresh air, you wanted to taste the droplets of rain outside of the walls. Erwin Smith now had your attention.

  
  
  


“Cadet, as you know graduation is nearing. Training is coming to an end soon. I want you part of my squad. You’re a weapon. An asset. I see Levi in you. A lot of him in you. The attitude. The skills. The self determination. We have an expedition coming up in a couple of days and I want you to travel alongside us and witness it all. You won’t go into battle, you won’t fight. You will be there to spectate.”

  
  
  


Immediately your jaw drops in shock. You were amazed that the Commander was going to be bringing you along with him and the rest of the Survey Corp. You opened your mouth replying to his request.

  
  
  


“Sir, I don’t know what to say. If you’re doing this to because you feel sorry for me then I’m going to decl-“. Erwins face turned to a deep red as if he was angry and he banged his fist on his desk and stood to his feet and pointed at you.

  
  
  


“CADET! I AM NOT DOING THIS BECAUSE I PITY YOU! THIS ISN’T ABOUT YOU CADET! SO GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND WAKE UP! You know what? You can forget it, I’m not going to waste my time on someone who isn’t ready to defend humanity. You’re useless to me as of now. You’re dismissed. Get out of my office now.”

  
  
  


Just as you were about to reply, you turn yourself around and head to the door to walk out and Erwin calls you by your name.

  
  
  


“Cadet? Before I forget, you’re on kitchen duty for a month. Now get the hell out of my office.”

  
  
  


You turn back around and open the door and walk out of the Commander's office and shut the door behind you to see Marco, Eren, Connie, and Sasha stand against the wall pretending like they weren’t just listening to the entire conversation. You look at all of them and shake your head and walk off to the mess hall when you’re stopped by the sound of your name being called, you’re stopped in your tracks and turned your head around to see Yeager standing behind you with his crossed over one another.

  
  
  


“Oi, Y/n. _Useless_ huh?”

  
  
  


You heard Marco and Sasha try and shut up Eren. Marco was telling him how stupid he was to pick a fight with you. You turned your head back around and rolled your eyes. The sound of his voice just annoyed you, you couldn’t even stand the sight of him. 

  
  
  


“Don’t Yeager. I’m not in the mood.”

  
  
  


You said in a stern voice and began to walk off again when he said something that turned your eyes bloodshot red.

  
  
  


“I’m sure mommy and daddy are proud of their little girl.”

  
  
  
You didn’t say a single word. You turned your body around to see Erwin step out of his office behind Eren. It was likely he heard the entire confrontation go down. He stood against the wall with his arms crossing over one another. Out of anger of what Eren just told you, you began marching up to him and he started to chuckle a bit while looking over at Connie. When he turned his head back to you, his face was met with your fist.

Marco, Connie, and Sasha looked at each other with their hands over their mouth. Marco was in the background snickering at the sight of Eren covered in blood. You heard Marco in the background laughing and commenting on your hit to Erens face.

”I told you not to go picking fights with her. Man she did a real number your face.”

  
  
  


“SON OF A BITCH” you shook your hand, either it was broken or sprained. You watched Eren fall to the floor and cover his nose that was gushing blood. It fell from his face like a waterfall. You looked down at him and pitied him for a second and took a chunk of your saliva and spit it on the ground next to him. You heard the voice Erwin from behind Eren.

  
  
  


“That’s enough cadets! Go to the barracks and get some sleep. And, you three take Yeager to get him cleaned up. You, Y/n we’re going to the infirmary to get that wrist checked out.”

  
  
  


You shook your head and began to walk off. “No, I'm fine and plus the nurse is off duty. I’ll wrap it myself.” Erwin placed a strong hand on your shoulder to stop you. 

  
  
  


“I’ll wrap it for you, let’s go.”

  
  
  


You had no choice, Erwin moved his hand from your shoulder to your wrist practically dragging you to the infirmary.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah yes! I finally sat down and wrote a decent long chapter! It took a few hours due to the winter storm we’re having but I did it!


	4. Chapter4.

You sat at the end of the bed inside the infirmary room. Erwin had his back facing you while getting supplies out to wrap your wrist with. You were watching him obviously annoying because you didn't need his help. Why would you? He just blew up on you not even 20 minutes ago.

"You know cadet, you can't just go around punching your comrades in the face."

Erwin spoke in a light tone while you watched him wrap your wrist. He lifted up your hand and moved your wrist from side to side, and up and down. He waited for a reaction from you. He looked up from your wrist to your face.

"It doesn't appear to be broken, it looks a bit sprained and bruised though. You're not allowed to train for a couple of days, until this wrist of yours heals properly. You're going to need it on the expedition.

Your head lifted up from your wrist and made eye contact with Erwin. You were surprised he was still letting you on this expedition considering what just happened a few minutes ago in his office and of course with you punching Yeager right in the nose. You simply nodded, that was all.

"Oh and before I forget, **STAY AWAY** from Yeager. If I catch you even looking at him, you won't go on this expedition and you'll be on kitchen duty until graduation. Have I made myself clear?"

Erwin walked over to the door, his back facing you. Once he spoke his final words, you agreed and after that he slammed the door behind him. Your eyes met your perfectly bandaged wrist and you let out a sigh. You already knew. The Commander absolutely despised you and you accepted that.

* * *

Since Erwin ordered you not to be doing any type of training , the only eventful thing you had going on what kitchen duty that you were assigned to. Once you finished serving everyone, you took your own tray and went to find somewhere to sit. You noticed Marco and went to sit next to him. You needed to talk to him, you needed to apologize to him. You'd been a shitty friend to him and you needed him to know how sorry you were. As you made your way to Marco, you noticed Eren beat you to the seat. He sent a glare your way and you just stood there. 

Behind you, you heard a whistle. You turned your whole body around and noticed someone waving you down. He had short blond hair, and he looked a bit tall. You walked towards his table and noticed two other cadets sitting down at that very table.

"Don't be shy, take a seat."

You sat down at his invitation. Next to him sat a girl with blonde hair, and her hair was thrown into a low bun and two strands of hair fell in front of her face. She had a deep stoic look on her face. And, next to her sat a very tall black haired boy.

"You're Y/N right?" You nodded while looking at all three of them. "I'm Reiner. This is Annie, and next to Annie is Bertholdt. We seen you take down the Captain yesterday. That was pretty badass."

"Yeah, and with my move. Didn't take you long to figure it out."

Both Annie and Reiner commented on your training with Captain Levi. However Bertholdt sat there in complete silence. He had a nervous look on his face, and he immediately changed the subject. 

"So, Y/N what district are you from?"

Your head turned quickly in Bertholdt's direction. You thought back to that very day.

* * *

_"Promise me something, sweetheart?"_

_Your mom spoke to you in a worrisome tone. The both of you were getting dinner prepared. Your father was away on a scouting expedition and there was no telling when he would be back. Your father was a Section Commander, he was always going out on expedition missions. The both of you were inseparable. Anytime he left for a mission, it absolutely broke you. You hated talking about the scouts when your father was away._

_You looked over at your mother letting out a "Hmm?" Her eyes were filled with worry as she began to speak, tears started to fall from her eyes. "Promise me you won't leave me. Promise me you won't join the Survey Corps. Promise me. It's hard enough that we have to worry about your father. I wouldn't be able to take it if you left as well."_

_Your mother was now sobbing into her hands. You dropped the knife that was cutting vegetables, you walked up to your mother and placed your warm soft hands on both sides of her face and lifted her head up and looked into her eyes and wiped the tears from her cheeks and whispered "I promise." You wrapped your arms around her, and held her tight._

_You knew deep down she always worried about you joining the Survey Corps, the number one reason why you would never join. You hated to see her worry. She sobbed into your shoulder, you held her for a while longer before hearing the sound of bells. Your head perked up, you looked at your mother and she nodded her head, giving you the okay to go._

_"Dad", you whispered to yourself, making you way out of the house. You were running past everyone, passing them up and leaving them in your dust. You knew a couple of shortcuts to get to the gates quicker. Once you reached the gates, the first thing you noticed were a bunch of injured soldiers making their way through the gates, some where walking and some were on their horses. Bandaged and bruised up, barely walking. They all looked terrible. To your left you noticed scouts handing family members patches from their deceased loved ones uniforms. That's all that was left of them. You were starting to panic and call out for your dad. You were starting to get dizzy from spinning in circles, looking in every direction. Suddenly behind you, you heard a familiar voice call your name._

_"Y/N.. The voice trembled, frozen in fear, in complete shock. You slowly turned around to see your father a few feet away in front of you. He couldn't believe that you were standing right in front of him. He thought he'd never see you again, along with your mother. You noticed his cloak was covered in red splotches of blood. You weren't sure if it was his own or from his comrades. His face was covered in dirt and bruises, and his uniform was torn. It looked like he hadn't slept in weeks. His face was as pale as a ghost. Your arms dropped to your sides and you started to run towards him, it felt like you were in slow motion, and it took forever to get to him._

_"DAD!", you screamed out while sobbing and you jumped right into his arms, he caught you and he held you tight. He's never held you this tight as if he was scared of losing you. He was trembling and he kissed the top of your head and then sobbed into it. He didn't speak at all, there was no need for words. His hugging, the way he was holding you and sobbing said it all. You didn't need him to say anything. He was home, that's all that mattered._

_He pulled away from the hug and grabbed your face and wiped your tears and chuckled a bit and kissed your forehead and looked back at you, "Where's your mother?" he asked you. You smiled and looked up at him and just as you were about to answer him the entire ground began to shake and the sound of crackling lightning echoed throughout the walls and a cloud of smoke appeared outside of the walls and you heard the screams of men, women, and children. Your eyes widened and you seen a titan that towered over the wall. Steam was being released from its body and the entire thing was red and looked as if it's muscles were on the outside of it's body. You felt a hand tugging you, but you were in complete shock. You've seen them before only because your father used to bring you on the top of the wall and watch them roam, but you've never seen one this close before, you could feel your heart beating out of your chest and felt the sweat dripping down from your forehead._

_"Y/N! WE HAVE TO GO NOW! YOUR MOTHER! Y/N! LET'S GO!"_

_You finally snapped out of it and looked at your father, he was holding your hand and just as the both of you started to make a run for it, large pieces of concrete started to fall from the sky. You seen children, women, and men crushed under the debris. Limbs where scattered all throughout the district. Insides splattered all over homes. You then looked back and noticed the titan had kicked a giant hole in the wall. Tears started to fall from your eyes and your father looked back as well and his eyes widened in shock as he watched titans storming inside of the walls. The two of you ran and ran and didn't look back._

_Once the two of you reached the house, your father grabbed both sides of your shoulders and shook you and tried to talk to you as calm as possible but his voice was trembling, "Y/N, stay right here. I'm going to go get your mother and come back and after that we're goin-" and suddenly you felt something hover over you, you lifted your head up and a titan was standing over you, it's hand was reaching for you and you looked right back at your father but before you could you felt a brute force push you to the ground. Your hands and knees began stinging from the scrapes left from the hard ground. You heard screaming, you heard flesh being ripped from a body, you heard bones breaking. You heard your name being screamed out, "Y/N!" the voice sounded like it was in agony. When you looked up, your eyes widened and you began to tremble in fear. The bottom half of your fathers body was hanging out of the titans mouth and your mother was in the hands of the very same titan. The titan chomped down on your father and his bottom half fell in front of you as you stood on your hands and knees staring at the view of your fathers bottoms half, his insides were hanging out and his legs were switching and you screamed in horror, and you looked up and watched the same titan devour your mother. You felt a warm liquid land on your body, it was the blood from both of your parents falling on you like it was raining. You screamed and screamed. You were in shock, you were in pain. Everything was now spinning, and your vision was starting to blur. You kept blinking your eyes and felt yourself about to pass out. You couldn't fight this titan. You were going to die and suffer the same fate as your parents. Just as you were starting to drift into darkness, the sounds of blades against titan skin were heard and you seen someone tall standing in front of you. You couldn't make out the face or the features. And, just like that everything went dark._

* * *

You blinked your eyes several times and looked down at your food. Why were you remembering every detail from that tragic day now? Why was it suddenly all coming back to you? You couldn't understand. Your eyes looked up and peered at Bertholdt and answered his question.

"Shiganshina."

The entire table fell in complete silence along with the entire mess hall. You felt everyone's eyes on you, Bertholdt, Reiner, and Annie looked at you in complete shock. You stood up and took your tray to the bin and threw it away. Your memories came back and you lost your appetite. You started to head back towards the barracks, Marco noticed your sudden mood change and followed you but not before sending Reiner and his table a glare.

Once you got to the barracks, you sat on your bed and looked down at your hands and balled them up into a fist and started to question yourself. ' _Why did I have to be a coward? Why couldn't I have saved them? I shouldn't be here.'_ Marco walked in the barracks and sat next to you and you noticed him and you relaxed your fists.

"Marco, I'm sorry. I know you're trying to help me and be there for me. I know you're trying to be a good friend, I snapped. I haven't been a good friend and I want you to know how much I care about you and how proud I am of you. I didn't mean what I said about you joining the MP regiment. I was angry." You looked at Marco and he wrapped his arms around you and hugged you.

"I know, Y/N."

You pulled away from Marco's embrace and looked away from him and peered down at the floor and began to confess.

"Marco, I remember. I remember everything."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! This chapter had me feelings all types of feelings. I enjoyed writing this more than anything. 2 back to back lengthy chapters. I hope you all enjoy it! Thank you guys so much for reading. I can't wait for you guys to see chapter 5!


	5. Chapter 5

You sat there in complete silence with Marco. He searched for any type of words to try and comfort you, but nothing came out. You sat there for hours explaining to Marco what happened that tragic day. Not once did he ever take his gaze away from you. He can hear the hurt in your voice with you having to relive that moment. He even told you that you didn't need to tell him, but you insisted. The expedition was tomorrow and you still hadn't told Marco about it. There was no telling when you would be back exactly. You thought back to how long your father was away on his, he was gone anywhere from a couple of days to weeks and possibly months. You know he wouldn't like it, he worried about you. Especially with you in this state.

"I'm leaving tomorrow, Marco." Marco jerked his head up in confusion. "I was invited to go out on the expedition. The Commander invited me, and there's no telling when we'll be back. But, Marco I just want you know that I promise to be ca-."

"I know, you will. You're not reckless, I know you'll be careful. But, that doesn't mean that I won't worry about you. I'm proud of you, you know that right? We're in this together." Marco stuck out his pinky and you locked it with yours and replied to him and then you pushed him away playfully, "Stop it, you're making me cringe with how mushy you're being. We should really get to bed now. I have to be up pretty early. Thank you for this." Marco just nodded, and watched you walk out the door to the girls barracks. 

* * *

The next morning you tucked in your bed and got ready. Once you finished throwing your uniform on, you walked out of the barracks and leaned against the wall in the hallway. You looked down at your bandaged wrist and started to unwrap it. Once it was completely unwrapped, you wiggled it from left to right and moved it up and down and balled the white cloth in your hand and heard that same deep stoic voice that despised you, "It looks well. I was just coming to check up on it. It looks better. Follow me, cadet." Erwin demanded and you followed right behind him.

Erwin brought you to the horse stables and he didn't mutter a single word to you. He opened one of the stables and grabbed a horse by its lead and practically threw it at you. He threw a saddle on the horse and began to tighten it around the horses belly. He grabbed your sack from your shoulder that was packed with extra clothes and portions of food and tied it to the back of the saddle. 

"You can ride a horse, can't you?" He spoke to you as if he were irritated with you already. You nodded and as you were about to open your mouth to explain he cut you off, "I don't care to hear your back story, cadet. It was a yes or no question." And, with that he walked away to meet up with the Section Commanders and of course Captain Levi. He left you standing there in embarrassment. You wrapped the horses lead around your hand and with the other hand you started to pet the side of its face. You turned your head to see the Section Commanders, Captain Levi, and Commander Erwin heading your way. 

"Y/N! Y/N! Y/N! Isn't this exciting? Your first scout expedition!" Section Commander Hange was very giddy about you joining them, when Erwin cut into the conversation. "She is just there to spectate! In case I'm not around her, Hange you will be in charge otherwise, she doesn't leave my side. Do you all understand?" with his command every one saluted him, everyone but Levi and of course you.

"Alright Scouts, mount up and head for the gates." Erwin made one last demand and with that being said, you climbed on top of your horse and held the lead tight in both of your hands. Erwin lead in front and your horse followed behind him and everyone else was either around you or behind you. Heck, even Captain Levi trailed behind you. Surely he wasn't a fan of that. The entire squad trotted to the gates, you noticed civilians coming outside and waiting on the outside of their homes, sending you all off. Children were in awe, the enjoyment on their faces reminded you of when your father would come home. You shook your head to stop visualizing that memory. You even overheard other civilians dragging the scouts reputation in the dirt. They were speaking about their tax dollars being wasted on dying soldiers and the useless MP's that sat inside the walls and drank and drank until the sun set and when it would come up. You then thought about Marco. You thought about how safe he would be inside of the walls and you wanted him to stay that way. You couldn't afford to lose anyone else that was close to you. It would break you.

The entire squad would come to a halt as Erwin stopped in front of all of you waiting for the gates to be risen. You heard your name being called from multiple people to the side of you in front of shops, you looked to left of you and seen Armin, Mikasa, Reiner, Bertholdt, and even Marco. They all must've ran here to wish you good luck. They were all waving and you mouthed over to Marco, "I promise" and he nodded and mouthed back "I know" and stuck out his pinky. You smiled and nodded and the sound of the gates being lifted from the ground caught your attention and before you knew it, Erwin had already rode off past the gate to the outside of the wall, you trailed behind him. 

Once you were outside of the gates, outside of the walls you looked up at the sky to see birds chasing each other, The cool breeze blowing leaves through the air. You lifted your head up and closed your eyes and sniffed the fresh air. You no longer smelt the scent of fresh bread from the market or the steaming potatoes from the caverns. It was fresh air and you were finally beyond the walls. Erwin looked back at you enjoying the outside experience from the walls and he shook his head.

"Cadet, it isn't always going to be this peaceful you know? Get your head out of the clouds and pay attention." You rolled your eyes in annoyance at him. You never really argued with him. It was pointless. He would always be one step ahead of you. You wondered why he was so hard on you, even after impressing him. Surely it was something that had been bothering him. Right before this expedition, Hange had pulled you to the side and asked you if you knew why Erwin had been acting like such an _ass_ lately. You couldn't give her a reason, he barely spoke to you and when he did it was to belittle you. He was starting to act like Levi. You couldn't read him.

Erwin stopped in front of everyone and put his hand up to give everyone a stop signal. You and the squad started to reach a more open field and it was quiet. "Keep an eye out, it's quiet, too quiet." Erwin signaled everyone to keep moving but very carefully. The horses began to shift their heads in a nervous manner, you felt the ground beneath you start to vibrate. The sound of trees cracking in front of you echoed throughout the entire field. Your eyes widened in shock as a group of large abnormal titans made their way towards you and the scouts. Erwin let go of his horses lead and grabbed both of his hand grips connected to the ODM gear and attached blades to them and began to yell while still riding on his horse, "A GROUP OF LARGE ABNORMALS AT 12 O'CLOCK! GEAR UP SCOUTS! I WANT EVERY LAST ONE OF THOSE BASTARD'S NAPE SLICED. DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?" The entire squad were in agreement, "YES SIR!"

"HANGE, STAY WITH Y/N. DO NOT AND I MEAN DO NOT LET HER ENGAGE IN COMBAT." He looked at the both of you waiting for you two, to agree. You both nodded and before Erwin shot the grapple hooks out he gave you a ' _I said what I said. NO COMBAT'_ look. You watched the scouts use their ODM gear so gracefully, grappling onto titans left and right and slicing at their napes. Their grappling hooks digging into tree trunks and titan skin, you watched in awe, you watched in fear. Watching the titans emerge from the trees one by one triggered a flash back. A flashback from the time you watched your parents being devoured and the only thing you could do is reach out and scream for them. You could hear a voice in the distance yelling at you, "Y/N NO! GET BACK HERE". When you snapped back to reality, you were flying through the air, using your ODM gear and you turned your head around to see and hear Hange yelling at you. It was too late to go back, something snapped in you, your heart was beating out of your chest the blood was pumping like crazy. All you felt was rage and anger. You turned your head back around to face in front of you heading towards the swarm of titans.

All the scouts were fighting with a different titan, Erwin looked over at Hange to see her screaming in his direction and he couldn't see you anywhere near her. He was distracted and not paying attention to the large titan in front of him that grabbed him and picked him up, immobilizing him so he couldn't even grab his blades to free himself. He was squirming in the titans grip, the titan brought Erwin closer to it's mouth. He closed his eyes and suddenly he heard blades being sliced against the titans nape and he was let go from the titans grip. He tuck and rolled to prevent himself from getting injured. He slowly stood up and brushed himself off and you landed on your feet in front of him.

His eyebrows made the shape of a V. He was infuriated, his light skin turned a red color and the veins along his neck began to bulge out from his skin and he began to scream at you, "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? I TOLD YOU TO STAND DOWN AND NOT ENGAGE IN COMBAT? ARE YOU THAT DENSE? DO YOU REALIZE WHAT COUL-" You were tired of hearing him yell at you. These last couple of days have been him just yelling and you were sick of it. It's like he never got tired of hearing his own voice. You weren't gonna bite your tongue any longer, you had enough. "WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP! DO YOU EVER GET TIRED OF HEARING YOURSELF BITCH AND BITCH AND BITCH? I JUST SAVED YOUR LIFE, THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS BE GRATEFUL. NOW ARE YOU JUST GONNA STAND THERE OR ARE YOU GONNA KILL THOSE BASTARDS LIKE YOU COMMANDED EVERYONE ELSE TO DO SO?"

Erwin had no words. He couldn't think of any type of comeback, you did just save his life. What else could he say, you were right. He should be more grateful. He shook his head and just grunted in anger and took off using his ODM gear to slaughter the last of the titans and just as you were about to take off as well, a blade was pulled out in front of you to halt you from going anywhere. You looked to see the face of Levi, and he shook his head in anger. You stood down, it was pointless to start a fight with him while everyone else was in was in battle with those bastards. 

After the last titan was slain by Erwin himself everyone regrouped at an abandoned cottage and racked up their horses. Everyone waited outside the cottage and Hange called for you.

"Erwin wants to speak to you alone. He's not happy, you know that right." You just shrugged and went ahead into the cottage to see Erwin standing up looking out the window, and you shut the door behind you. Erwin didn't budge from that spot, he crossed his arms over his chest.

"Do you have any idea of what could've happened to you out there? You could've been killed with your lack of experience. You're reckless."

"Reckless? Look with all due respect, _sir_ I know that I lack experience but I did just save your life. The least you can do is thank me, or is your pride too strong for that? You've had it out for my head since day one, I know I disrespected you that day but I had my punishment. Why are you still breathing down my neck? What's your issue?"

Erwin turned away from the window to where he was facing in your direction, "You think you have it all figured out huh? You think you saving my life is something I should be grateful for? I give my life to this, I have sacrificed my life for this regiment, for humanity. If it's my time, then it's my time. I will die knowing that I served well for my district. For my regiment. Do you think I give two shits whether you saved me or not? I don't. You know what the problem with you is? You're stubborn and reckless. You are just like you're fath-"

Erwin stopped himself from finishing that sentence, as if it was a sore subject for him as well. He watched you tense up and ball your fists up. He's brought your father up way too many times. Why? Was he doing this to hurt you? Was this some sort of training to see how heartless one soldier would become? ' _No'_ you thought to yourself, this was different. You noticed the hurt in his eyes, the pain on his face. You shook your head in annoyance and he continued to rant on.

"Your father was stubborn and reckless and you're no different, cadet."

Those words stung, hearing him mention your father again, you were sick of it. Time and time again, he used that as an insult, you needed to shut him up once and for all. You relaxed your hands and marched right up to him. You grabbed both sides of his face with your hands and pulled his head down and crashed his lips onto yours. His eyes widened in surprise. He gently moved his rough hands to your curves and held you as you kissed him. Both of your lips moved back and forth on each others. This was the only way to shut him up, you forced your tongue passed his lips that guarded his tongue. You practically shoved your tongue down his throat. You still had your grip on both sides of his face and you pulled away, a strand of saliva was connected from both of your mouths. His eyes opened and you placed your hands on his shoulders gently and he looked down at you in silence. He looked like he wanted to do that this entire time.

As you held onto his shoulders you brought him close to you and swung your knee back and into his testicles. Erwin groaned in pain and moved his hands from your hips to hold himself in pain. You were still holding onto him and you moved your lips to his ear and whispered.

"If you ever mention my father or my mother again, I will personally feed you to the titans myself and you will die in the most gruesome way. I don't care that you're my superior, nor do I care that you're my Commander. I won't stand for the slander against my parents any longer."

After your choice of words you put one of your legs behind his, sweeping him from off his feet and he landed right on his back. He rolled onto his side in pain still holding himself, his eyes had tears falling from them and you heard the door swing open and the entire squad came barging in staring at Erwin in pain and you standing over him. You looked over at the squad and walked towards the door bumping shoulders with Levi as you walked out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLD UP HOLD UP! Y/N IS A BAD BITCH! She really popped off and my oh my Erwin in his feels, but she completely shut that down.


	6. Chapter 6.

The entire squad watched you storm outside and just as Levi was about to chase after you to probably beat the shit out of you, Erwin reached one hand up and demanded that he didn’t follow. He placed one hand on his thigh and slowly stood up. He was still in pain so he was rubbing himself to ease the pain. He didn’t bother chasing after you. 

You figured after doing what you did, surely there was some type of punishment that you would be receiving once all of you had returned home. It took a lot for you to do that, you didn’t care. You were tired of the slander. The insults. You didn’t kiss him because you liked him, it was simply to distract him and it had worked. You had the upper hand on Erwin Smith.

That night you didn’t go back inside. You wanted to stay as far away from Erwin as possible, so you slept outside against the rack post were the horses were tied to. You ate your cold rations before you went to sleep. The memory of you kissing and kneeing Erwin kept playing back in your head. Over and over you seen the same knee. You felt the heat against the both of your lips. You felt how needy his swollen lips were. You couldn’t deny, your lips were needy as well but you weren’t going to admit that to him. And, just like that you were asleep.

* * *

It had only been a day but you and the scouts were already heading back to the walls. You were upset. You wanted to stay out beyond the walls longer but you understood. You trailed behind everyone, you were in the very back. It was your decision, Erwin didn’t comment on it. He hadn’t even looked at you since last night. He didn’t roll his eyes at you, he didn’t command you to do anything. He let you be. 

  
Once the gates were reached, they were risen and a crowd of people cheered. There were no casualties but this sight reminded you of when your returned that day and how you almost went into a panic attack trying to find him. You held your head high up in the air, people were cheering. Children were in awe. Little girls admiring you. You held that posture until all of you returned back to the base.

Immediately when all of you returned your horses to the stable, Hange delivered to you that Erwin wanted to see you in his office. You huffed at his request and nodded and disappeared inside. You had a feeling Erwin was going to bring up your punishment for laying your hands on your superior. As you made your way to his office you felt everyone's eyes on you. Clearly word had gotten out that you laid your hands on Erwin Smith and it was obvious that everyone was not happy about that.

Once you reached the Commanders door, you knocked and waited for his approval to come in. Once you heard his approval, you stepped inside and shut the door behind you. He wasn't sitting at his desk, instead he was staring out the window. You noticed that he did this quite often, and wondered what he was always looking at. He turned around and you noticed the look on his face, as if he was in pain. Not physically but his face looked full of sorrow. Did you hurt him that bad?

"I called you in here cadet to apologize. I know lately I've been a huge ass to you but I had my reasons. Please, don't speak and let me speak. Let me say what I need to say." Erwin took a deep breath before finishing what he had to say. "I was there that day. When your-“ Erwin noticed you tense up and then you started to turn around to head for the door to walk out. Here we go again, he’s bringing up your dead parents.

“Please just hear me out, I promise I didn't invite you in here to insult you. Your father was a good man. You know that right?” You nodded. “He was a damn good soldier and put everyone first before himself. Him and I were like brothers you know? I miss him, a lot and I know you do too. I wish things could’ve been different. That day we got back from the expedition, him and I had gotten into an argument. He was leaving the Survey Corps. He had already made up his mind and we argued about him staying and I was being selfish. I was too late, I didn't get there in time. I watched you watch them get devoured. I was frozen, the look on your face. I don’t know what made me come to my senses but I seen you in danger and I did what I should’ve done when I watched your parents get devoured.”

It was him, Erwin was the mysterious figure you seen that saved your life. All these years, all this time. He knew exactly who you were but why? Why did he treat you like shit? You stood there in silence. Erwin rubbed his scruffy face as he stood in front of you. He still had more to say.

”Before we returned to the walls, on that expedition all of my men were in a bind. We all were. Soldiers were dying left and right, more than we’ve ever lost before. Your father pulled me to the side, he knew something was going to happen to him. He told me _‘If anything and I mean anything happens to me, you return back home to Rachel and Y/N and you take care of them. Promise me you won’t let anything happen to them. Don’t let Y/N join the Survey Corps. Watch after her please! Promise me!’_ Those were the last words that I that I heard from your father. We ended up surviving and we never expected our protected walls to get compromised.”

Erwin started to make his way back to his desk. He pulled his chair out and sat down, he began to look down at his hands and squeezed them as if he were in pain. Everything that he was telling you, it felt all too real and it still didn’t make sense why he was such an ass to you.

”I blame myself. There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that day and I know you do too. Your fathers death is my fault, I kick myself everyday. Why did I have to freeze? Why was I such a coward? I saved you, yes but I could’ve saved the both of them if I wasn’t a complete failure. Y/N I was only trying to protect you from the Survey Corps. I wasn’t being a dick on purpose. I figured if I said those things to you, you would quit and I wouldn’t have to worry about protecti- Do you know how much pain I was in saying those things to you? Saying those things about your parents? I even brought Captain Levi in on it too. Thinking he would be more aggressive with it. I never meant to hu-.”

Erwin stopped explaining himself in front of you as he watched your face drop. He had the most concerned look on his face. Did he say too much? Did he hurt you again bringing up your parents.

”Cadet I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to go on about it. I- I have to get back to-.”

You cut him off and walked towards his desk and he stood up to try and get you to leave his office.

”Sir. Commander, I had no idea. I did-.”

You stood in front of him, his voice was starting to crack. Erwin was starting to get emotional and you could hear it I’m his voice. The look in his eyes. 

”Of course you didn’t know. I wanted to keep it that way but I couldn’t go on hurting you like that, I couldn’t go on saying those terrible things about your parents. I wanted to prot-.”

Erwin was starting to repeat himself, he stared down at your plump lips and he started to think about how you kissed him, he couldn’t figure out why you kissed him if you hated him so much. He couldn’t figure out why you would kiss him after all the horrible things that you were saying. You avoided eye contact with him.

”Screw it.”

Erwin placed one hand on the back of your head and the other on the right side of your hip and pulled you into him. His lips crashed on to yours. You were expecting yourself to act surprised but you weren’t in the slightest surprise. You held back for a second before finally giving in and placing both of your hands on his chest and gripping onto his button up shirt and bolo tie. The both of your lips moved up and down, the closer he pulled you into him the more aggressive his touch got, the more the kiss intensified. The hand that was on your hip moved to the side of your face. Erwin couldn’t contain himself any longer. That kiss from yesterday woke something up in him. The hunger, he wanted to devour you.

He slowly pulled away from the kiss and he stared at your swollen lips and gently he pressed his thumb against your bottom lip and caressed it softly. Erwin hadn’t realized what he did until moments later when he snapped out of the trance and stepped away from you. 

Erwin was confused at his actions. Why had he just kissed you? What did it mean for him as your superior.

”Cadet? I’m incredibly sorry. I um have paper work I have to finish please excuse me.”

Erwin turned away from you and sat back at his desk. You stood there astonished. You weren’t too sure why your Commander just kissed you as if the world were ending. You didn’t argue with his command. You left his office and didn’t look back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> COMMANDER WHAT ARE YOU DOING? SIR!


	7. Chapter 7

After that night that you and Erwin shared that intense kiss, you two pretty much avoided each other. You would train in the very back of the group while Erwin and Levi went over demonstrations. He never picked on you to use as an example. He never looked your way, and always had Hange or Levi deliver his paperwork and news to the recruits. He pretty much stayed in his office day and night. 

Graduation was today, and everyone was pretty much excited. Of course you had your eyes set on joining the Survey Corps that never really changed. You wondered what the ranking was and who placed what. You were just hoping that you wouldn't be on Erwin's squad. You didn't want to be on Levi's either but, that was better than being on the Commanders squad to avoid any type of awkwardness. You weren't sure what that kiss meant, or why he suddenly did it. It was confusing for you, when you told Marco about it he didn't approve of it and about freaked out when you told him. For days he went on about how it's inappropriate and that he didn't like Erwin and how he used to treat you.

Preparations were being made for the celebration after graduation. Meat was being prepared, meat was only given to the scouts on special occasions like this one tonight. Wine was being set out on the tables and along with bread and potatoes, the regular. You were in the female barracks finishing up getting ready, you were buckling all the buckles on your harness. You threw on your cadet jacket and walked out the barracks and you ran into Marco.

"Hey newly graduated scout. You excited for tonight?" Marco questioned you and you glanced at him and chuckled and nudged his shoulder before replying. “Hello also newly graduated scout, and I think I am.”

You noticed Marco’s collar was still folded up. You chuckled and reached up to his collar and folded it down and fixed it and brushed off his jacket.

”We’re actually graduating today. Going our separate ways, you know I’m gonna miss you. Even though we won’t be up each other’s ass 24/7 and I won’t hear you telling me how bad the ideas I come up with are, you’re always going to be my best friend Marco. You know that right?”

The look on Marco’s face dropped as if he were going to start crying when he nudged you. “Hey enough with that mushy crap. We’ll see each other again but let’s not worry about that. Let’s worry about celebrating tonight and what place we ranked. You’re my hero, I hope you know that. Now let’s go.”

* * *

"Today is the day. Today you fine Cadets will be the future of humanity. 104th Cadet Corps, welcome and congratulations. As all of you know only the top 10 names that I call out will have the choice to join the Garrison Regiment, The Military Police Brigade, and of course the Survey Corp. When I call you name please step forward."

You stood in the front in-between Reiner and Marco. You heard the Commander finish his speech, congratulating your class. You glanced over at Marco for a second and smiled. You were glad that he was the one with you on this journey. You knew he was going to pick the Military Police if he ranked in the top 10. You had no doubt about him placing in the top 10. Marco was extremely smart and talented. You would miss him, he was your best friend after all. You peered up at Erwin as he started to name off the top 10 recruits.

"Placing at number 10, Jean Kirstein. Number 9, Sasha Braus. Number 8, Bertholdt Hoover. Number 7, Reiner Braun. Number 6, Annie Leonhart. Number 5, Armin Arlert. Number 4, Marco Bott. " You heard Marco's name leave the Commanders mouth and your eyes lit up and full of excitement for him. "Number 3, Eren Jeager. Number 2, Mikasa Ackerman.." Your eyes widened in shock. Surely you thought Mikasa would've taken the number 1 spot and not number 2. Everyone gasped in shock and wondering who could've possibly ranked over Mikasa. "And placing 1st and taking the final spot, Y/N L/N." Everyone's eyes were practically piercing right through you. You held you head high. You thought that you didn't deserve the number one spot, but then you thought how proud your father would be of you. I think Erwin noticed the hurt on your face because he sent you a sympathetic look. He hadn't interacted with you since that night. 

"Again it has been an honor training you all, you 10 have 24 hours to pick your regiment and to the ones that didn't place, you will be assigned to one first thing in the morning. Now I hate to keep you all waiting but you have wine, meat, bread and potatoes calling your names in the mess hall. I look forward to working with you all. Have fun tonight and good luck."

After Erwin finished his speech everyone looked at each other and everyone began to embrace each other. You turned to Marco and wrapped your arms around him, hugging him and telling him how proud you were of him. He chuckled and have you the _'please don't get killed'_ eyes. He was worried about you, but none of that mattered tonight. What mattered tonight was that all of you celebrate before the real work actually started.

* * *

For the first time a room was filled with laughter, for once everyone wasn't talking about titan and tragedy. We all had great laughs, we all ate and ate until we couldn't anymore. We drank and drank the wine until we could barely walk. Left and right everyone was passed out drunk in the mess hall. You stumbled to get Marco to his barracks, when you did you laid him on his bed and was slurring unintelligible words. You chuckled and kissed his forehead and walked out of his barracks. You were heavily intoxicated but you managed to stumble to a room, thinking it was the female barracks. The door wouldn't budge., it wasn't opening. You began knocking on the door and your light knocks then turned into bangs.

The door swung open, your vision was blurry but you noticed a tall fair skinned man, he had no shirt on, his toned abs were screaming at you he had on just sleeping pants and his hair was messy as if he'd just gotten out of bed. You were leaning against the door frame and you realized it was Erwin Smith's quarters you had been banging on.

"Cadet? What are you doing here? It's super late, you should be in bed. You're enrollment is tomorrow. You-." Erwin looked you up and down and realized you had no idea where you were because you were too intoxicated to realize where exactly you were at. 

"You're intoxicated, cadet. Let's get you back to the barracks. C'mon." Erwin went to grab your wrist but you pulled away and slumped down against the wall and sat there, bringing your knees up to your chest. You looked up at him and you swore you two Commanders.

"No, you're intoxicated.." Erwin placed his hands on his hips and nodded his head at you and replied to you, "Oh am I?" You nodded, "Yes, you're intoxicated. None of this is real. This is all just a dream, it's just an illusion. None of this is real.. Real? This is real." You looked away from Erwin and down at your hands. "And.. Sir?" Erwin let out a "Hmm" and you looked up at him, your eyes were glossy, full of tears. Erwin's faced changed to concern, he seen you on the verge of tears and he squatted next to you and placed his hands on his tones thighs. 

"I miss him. I miss him so much it hurts." The tears started to fall down your face and you began to let out sobs, you were showing how vulnerable you can really be. "Commander, I thought I could be a good soldier. I thought I knew what I was doing. I thought I would make him proud if I joined the Survey Corps and slaughtered every last one of those bastards for him and my mother. The truth is I'm weak, I'm as useless as we are thinking that we're ever going to win this war. We couldn't save him then, what makes you so sure we can save the entire human race. I was a failure then, and I'm a failure now. I can't, _we_ can't save the entire human race, Erwin."

Erwin didn't try and argue with you, he moved from his squatting position to now sitting next to you. He watched as you went on and on about your father and humanity. He watched the tears fall from your face soaking your button up top. Erwin locked one arm under you legs and the other on the middle of your back, picking you up and taking you into his quarters. You didn't oppose, you were too busy sobbing to realize and when you did come to the realization Erwin had set you on the edge of his bed. You were sitting down with you hands over your eyes. Erwin returned with two wet rags, he folded one of them longways and set it on the back of your neck to get you to calm down and relax and the other he wiped your swollen sobbing eyes with them. You stared into his eyes and you no longer could see two of him. Your vision was clear and no longer blurry. The vulnerability was seeping through.

Erwin slid the rag down your face before pulling it away and setting one hand on your face, he wiped one last tear with his thumb and then slowly started to caress your cheek with that same thumb. He slid his hand down an inch and started to caress your bottom lip with his thumb, he was caught in a trance while staring back and forth in your eyes and then onto your lips. "You have no idea how hard this is, cadet." You peered into his eyes and replied in confusion, "How hard what is?" Erwin moved his hand and moved a strand of hair from your face and continued on, "To not just kiss you and never stop." Erwin moved his hand from your faced and you watched his face turn away from yours.

"Kiss me then. Erwin, kiss me." You demanded him, he stood up from the bed and started to walk over to the window, you moved from sitting down on the bed to sitting on your knees and facing your body to his direction and pleading him to kiss you.

"Erwin.. Please kiss me, I want you t- No I need you to kiss me." Erwin turned his body around and and looked over at your needy lips and your pleading face. He rested his hand on the back of his neck and then hurried back to the bed to where you were sitting and placed both hands on both sides of your face and bent down to you and crashed his lips on to yours. You placed your hands on his forearms while he kissed you. You stood up, standing up on the bed and slightly hovering over him, your hands had moved from his forearms to the side of his face. His hands were now wrapped around your waist. He then lifted you off the bed and you wrapped your legs around his waist and locked your arms around the back of his neck and slowly grinded yourself against him. He let out a slight groan as he felt your pelvic bone grinding against him. You hadn't realized but you were so needy for this man. You never wanted anyone as badly as you wanted Erwin Smith. Your wetness was starting to seep through your thin cloth underwear. 

Erwin moved his soft rough lips to your collar bone, the both of you exchanged moans, He kissed and sucked on the right places that absolutely drove you crazy. You head tilted back, giving Erwin more space to lick and suck and kiss. Erwin laid you on your back on the bed and moved his lips a couple inches down your collar bone, his hand gently moved slightly up your shirt. His other hand grabbed the bottom of your shirt lifting it slightly. He picked his head up from your neck and waited for your approval. You nodded your head and then he locked his lips with yours once again. He grabbed your shirt with both of his hands and slowly lifted it over your head. You weren't even wearing a brassiere, that made it easier for him to undress you. You felt the heat of his breath against your neck. His member began to grow, and you felt it against your thigh. He was definitely going to ruin you tonight. Since the first interaction Erwin and you had, you felt the tension. You knew there was some type of tension there but you couldn't describe it. This was it. Erwin moved his mouth and kissed around your left breast and he held the other one in his hand and moved your nipple in between his index finger and his middle finger. You let out a moan and your eyes rolled to the back of your head. The sensation you were feeling was like no other and he hadn't even touched your sex yet. 

The more Erwin heard your sweet moans, the more he pinched your nipples. The hand that was groping your left breast had been lifted and he trailed his tongue down your neck and directly around your areola. He flicked his tongue repeatedly across your nipple. His eyes peered up at you, the image he got was you arching your neck and gripping onto his bed sheets. He had one had groping and pinching your right nipple and with is mouth he was devouring your right. It hadn't quite sunken into your head that you were being ravished by Erwin.

"Erwin.. Please it feels so good."

Your eyes were shut tight and didn't know how much more of it you could take. You moved back a little and Erwin's needy mouth had left your left breast and stared up at you. You brought his face to yours, kissing his lips more intense than before. You both were standing on your knees while devouring each others mouth. He forced his tongue down your through and the both of your tongues were practically dancing with each other. The two of you were pressed up against each other. You could feel his growing cock pressed up against your pelvis. You trailed your hands down from his neck, to his toned and defined abs until your hand was slowly rubbing his member from the outside of his pants. You tugged at his waistline of the pants and he slowly pulled them down and his hard member was freed. It was two-toned and had more girth than length but it was still very large for you to take. The defined veins that trailed down his cock were so mesmerizing, the clear drops of precum that leaked from his cock and dripped off from his head put you in a trance.

The both of you still on your knees, your mouths still locked you moved your lips down to his neck and down his toned chest to his toned abs. His member was practically staring you down, he looked down at you and nodded. You stuck your tongue out and started from the base of his cock and slowly made your way up to the head of his cock, collecting the precum from his member. Your sex throbbed with every groan that Erwin let out. And, with the final groan you took the Commanders cock in your mouth, you relaxed your throat so that his entire length could reach the back of your throat until your nose touched his stomach. You held it there for a good ten seconds before pulling it all the way out of your mouth. You aimed your eyes up at Erwin and watched him groan and moan, his eyes met yours and he caressed your cheek with his thumb and kept your hair out of your face.

"You're taking it so well. You look so beautiful with my cock sliding in and out of that pretty mouth of yours."

His praise drove you absolutely wild and you placed one hand on his length and wrapped your lips around his cock once more and started to move your hand and mouth back forth, his groans were becoming more louder and louder with every movement your hand and mouth was making. He placed his hand on the back of your head and gently started to thrust himself into your mouth.

"Fuck, you're doing so well. If you keep doing that, I'm gonna explode and I don't want explode just yet especially when I haven't got to ravish that beautiful sex of yours. Lay on your back, darling. I want to see every inch of that beautiful body of yours." 

You took Erwin out of your mouth and propped yourself up on your elbows and you watched him strip your bottom half, once you were completely naked Erwin traced his index finger down your thigh and he was in awe while staring down at your body. He placed his finger along your slit and realized how much your juices were seeping out. He directed your legs to spread open and he slowly teased his middle finger at your entrance. He pulled his finger away placed it at his lips and rubbing it across them.

"You're incredibly wet for me, darling. The way your juices glisten on my finger in the light. I want to ravish your sex with my cock, darling. I've needed you for so long. You're really beautiful you know that right. I'm going to go easy on you, love." 

With the nod of your head, Erwin grabbed his member and slowly stroked it up and down at the sight of you. Your lewd body was driving him absolutely crazy, he teased it around your entrance, rubbing the tip of his cock in between your slit. He watched what he was doing to your body and loved every second of it, you were shaking all over the place. He eased the head of his cock slowly and gently into your entrance. Your glistening cunt enclosed around his cock. You could feel the width of his member open your lips. He was barely even passed your entrance and you were shaking profusely. The pleasure that your body was feeling was like no other. Erwin Smith knew what he was doing, he knew how to take good care of your body.

"Fuck, Erwin. Please I need you."

You weren't the type to beg but for tonight, for Erwin Smith you didn't care. You pleaded that he keep going and to never stop. He let go of his member and let your juices lubricate his cock, your juices were begging to be let out and with Erwin's cock inside of you it only made your cunt produce more and juices, causing Erwin to slip inside of you a lot easier. Erwin's cock slid in so easily, and once the base of his cock reached the outside of your pussy, the both of you gasped full of pleasure. Erwin slowly started to rotate his hips counter clockwise, your heads laid above your head and he reached to your hands and set your left arm and set it on top of your right arm and set one of his hands on top of you like he was holding them down. The other hand grabbed your right thigh and lifted it up and placed it on his right shoulder. His hip rotations now turns into deep thrusts. The both of you let out lewd words to each other. The louder and the more he groaned, the more your cunt welcomed him.

"Look at you, inviting me in like that. It feels so good to be inside of you, darling. Fuck you feel so good. I can't get enough of you."

You watched Erwin lose his mind and his movements started to get more and more deeper and harder every time he heard his name escape those pretty lips of yours. He gripped onto the thigh that rested on his shoulder and he kissed your calf. He then let go of your hands that were restricted with his hand and wrapped both of his arms around your right leg that was resting on his shoulder and he started to thrust and thrust faster and deeper inside of you. Your moans were beginning to turn into screams, and Erwin had to shush you but you couldn't help it. What he was doing to your body was driving you insane. Your legs were starting to shake more and more once you felt yourself reaching your limit.

"Erwin please.. Keep going, I'm going to come."

Hearing that word escape your mouth made Erwin snicker and smirk down at you and he increased his speed even more, trying to get you to your limit. You felt a wave of pleasure rush through your body and your hands that were above your head were now resting beside you and gripping onto Erwin's bed sheets. The way you clamped down on his cock, showed him how close you really were to creaming all over his cock. Erwin hit one final thrust, and your head went lightheaded and it felt as if you were on cloud 9 finally being able to let out. Your moans and screams echoed throughout the room and Erwin hurried to placed his hand over your mouth. The loud noises you were making woke something up in Erwin and he started to grip so tight onto your leg and he started to grunt until he released his seed inside of you. His fingertips were dug into your calf and he released them and laid your leg down and the both of you were panting, trying to catch your breaths.

Erwin looked down at you and set a kiss on your forehead and covered your body with the blanket, right after Erwin's release you drifted off to sleep, he had fucked the conscious out of you. You were fast asleep. Erwin stood up from the bed and walked over to his window, still he was completely naked. He glanced over at you and rubbed the his scruffy chin and then peered back out the window.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! I have no words after typing this chapter. Literally I can't.


End file.
